Selfishness of Playing Small
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I listened to a podcast last week, and one gem has been ringing in my brain ever since. The person said, “99% of the work is figuring out what you want. It certainly highlights the power of clarity, and I have been questioning if I actually know what I want ever since. Too many times I have pursued things I was taught I should want or what other people wanted for me… And guess what? It just doesn’t feel the same as when you discover what your own soul authentically desires. Maybe it’s part of being in mid-life and not wanting to spend the second half of my life being and doing what everyone else tells me to be and do. They say one of the biggest regrets of the dying is that they didn’t live authentically to who they were. I’m determined to not let that be me. If 99% of the work is figuring out what you want, then it should be no surprise that the work includes seeing through fear and all the limiting beliefs that you have armed yourself with to protect you from failure, getting hurt, or feeling like you don’t belong. Safety plays a big role in what you believe you can receive and create.The parts of you that are afraid and doing their best to protect you don’t just willingly step aside to show you the desires they’ve been guarding if they don’t trust you will be safe with that knowledge. I know that’s pretty dramatic language, but it’s been my lived experience the past few years. After going through several years of trauma in my personal and professional life, I’ve spent the past few years in a little cocoon of healing and learning. My life slowed down a lot. I downsized my team. I stopped teaching live courses. I told myself I just needed to earn one more certification and then I’d teach a group program again. FOUR CERTIFICATIONS later, I’ve found myself saying, “I like the slow life. I’m happy here. I am totally content just having a handful of one-on-one clients and staying on the sidelines. I’ll just write my weekly emails and live life. That feels spacious and lovely.” And it was. Until I asked myself what I really wanted and got curious about that 99%... I’ve been slowly excavating through my own layers of fear and unbelief using neuro somatic tools to simultaneously let my body know I’m safe. Here’s what has happened: The more safety my body felt in learning what was in my heart, the more I’ve uncovered what I really want. Safety and clarity go hand in hand. In time, what I really wanted has begun to reveal. And turns out it’s bigger than I was currently allowing for. Don’t get me wrong, I still want a simple, slow life. But I also want to make an impact in the world at the same time. And… I’ve been playing small so I wouldn’t get hurt again. There’s a season when this kind of retreat is wise. We do need time to recover from pain and trauma. We do need time to settle and integrate. But the next season always calls for us to create again. Fall and Winter are the seasons of letting go and dying. As much as we may tell ourselves that we want to stay in a figurative winter long-term so we don’t have to go get our hopes up and flourish only to meet another season of loss and death, that’s not how life works. You will go through many deaths and rebirths. Over and over again. It’s the cycle of life designed for the world we live in. Part of my justification to stay in my own winter where it’s cozy and secluded has been the belief that, “It’s selfish to want to make a big impact. Last night in a coaching session, my coach invited me to forgive my judgements about playing big and say what was really true. I was shocked when this is what came from the depths of my heart… “I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that playing big is selfish. The truth is, playing small is far more selfish… Playing small is making it all about me and my fears and my protection and me not wanting to get hurt again. Playing small is hoarding my gifts and wisdom from those who need it. Playing big is rooted in service. I want to help others and share the wisdom and tools that have helped me navigate the hardest years of my life.” We both sat there stunned. Playing small is more selfish????? What?! Talk about what felt like the turn around of the century! I wouldn’t have been ready for that insight six months ago (which is why it didn’t come until now), but seeing it from this perspective has really helped me see my own wants differently. If you find yourself playing small somewhere in your own life, I first want to offer compassion. I’ve felt that too. And there’s a time and place where that can be the best thing. But there’s always a spring that follows winter. And the world needs you to play bigger when you’re ready. It feels fitting to dust off the famous Marianne Williamson quote about now. I know you’ve likely heard this one before, and I invite you to hear it again from the perspective of playing small as selfish (or protective) and playing big as service. She says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Playing big sounds like one of the bravest and most service-oriented things you could do. And I want to note that the core of playing big has less to do with what you DO and more to do with who you are to BE. The most audacious, brave thing you can offer the world is to BE yourself. Which means allowing yourself to like what you like and want what you want… And remember… 99% of the work is knowing what you want. This is what I know so far: Your authentic wants are what lights you up. Marianne is right in saying that it is not our darkness that we fear, but our light… We can fear what lights us up. We can fear what our souls authentically desire and want. I don’t know anything more beautiful than watching someone be lit up by their authentic desires. Whether that’s the simplicity of just being in nature or with family, or engaging in a hobby or talent, or pursuing a goal that is deeply meaningful, or building or creating something you’re fulfilled by. So what lights you up?
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Remember, the world needs what you have to offer. Let’s create the safety that will support you in bringing this forth.
You are a creator.
Feel, be, see, say, and do
The light in me honors the light in you.
Namaste,
brooke
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